At 21, I was pursuing my M.B.A in marketing. I was juggling between my degree and my passion for dance. I would study through the day and spend my evenings dancing. Before I knew I was married at 22. Even though it was an arranged marriage, I fell in love. I shifted from Delhi to Mumbai. I stopped thinking about my dreams and for that matter what I wanted to do in life. That’s the cost I paid when I got married early.
I became a devoted wife and at 25 a mother of twins. I had no one to guide me on what should be done or not in pregnancy. I followed whatever advice came my way through family and friends and ended up gaining 27 kgs during my pregnancy. I’m 5’3 and for my height, I went from 56 kgs to 83 kgs. After my twins were born, I was a mess, I didn’t know how to handle them. I couldn’t get any sleep and looking at myself made me feel depressed. I remember seeing myself in the mirror and hating how I looked. Once I met an old friend and just as he saw me, he said “What happened to you? How did you gain so much?” I lost my confidence. That’s the cost I paid when I had kids.
At 26, when my kids had just turned 1, I lost my father. He was only 49 years old. My mother, my brother, my sister, and my family were all shattered. I tried to keep a strong face but I was broken. I started drinking way too much. Then, I didn’t realize why I wanted to drink. It just made me feel happy, it made all the pain go away. Before I could realize I was guzzling beers and whiskeys. I was proud of myself back then that I can have 7-8 large drinks and still stand my ground. I wasn’t an alcoholic but I was drinking heavily (something I’m not proud of today). That’s the cost I paid for losing my father.
I learned the hard way that I wanted my life to change. I wanted to be financially independent. I didn’t want my life to be just about my husband and kids. I didn’t want to end up in the same place as my mother. I wanted something of my own. I struggled through the years trying to lose weight, trying to find something that I could do. I even tried to start something but it didn’t work out and I was back to square one. I was lost. I was depressed for months. That’s the cost I paid when I failed.
All through these years, if there was one constant thing, it was my love for dance and workout. That one hour I gave my body every day was my release from all my struggles.
3 years back a friend told me “You work out so much and are so passionate about it, why don’t you build something around it” and my answer was “I would have to give myself 6 months because I’m not in the best shape.” I gave it a thought but then left it because at that time I wanted something to happen immediately. It felt as if I was running out of time. I lost my positivity and my patience. That’s the cost I paid trying to get instant results.
In 2020, Covid happened and we were all made to sit at home. I spent that year too in frivolous things. I didn’t use the time at hand to do something productive. All I did was drink in my spare time and the rest of the day I spent doing things for my family. I was struggling with massive chest pains which turned out to be gastric issues owing to my lifestyle. That’s the cost I paid for living an unhealthy lifestyle.
But in 2021, I felt I was done with everything. At 32, I had lost 3 more years, but finally, I decided I’m ready to give myself 6 months. In March I enrolled under a coach. I had never enrolled under a nutritionist before. I started my journey at 65 kgs. I had lost majority of my pregnancy weight by then but I was still not in the best shape. Moreover, my eating habits were bad. I was starving myself to lose weight but it wasn’t working for me.
When I enrolled, I thought I would not be able to go below 60 kgs. It was hard for me to quit alcohol and it took a lot of willpower to quit it for 3 months. I worked hard on myself. I was dedicated. After so many years I saw that spark in me. I felt good about myself. I felt that I had a purpose and what I was doing was right. Gradually, all my efforts started to shape up. In 3 months, I lost 9kgs. It was difficult for me to believe this. I was at my pre-pregnancy weight. Not only did it give me confidence, but it also gave me a sense of purpose. I was enjoying this new lifestyle and I wanted to do this for a living. I talked to my coach and a few other people and by August I enrolled myself under the INFS Diploma in Fitness and Nutrition. That’s the cost I paid when I switched to a healthy lifestyle.
It has been 7 months since I enrolled and it has been an incredible journey so far. I’m enjoying the process. There is so much to learn but for the first time in life, I feel I’m doing something I can be good at. I’m able to get a new perspective to look at life. I’m able to grow as a person. I’m able to accept myself, my flaws, and to work on them.
I’m still a work in progress but these past 7 months have felt most fulfilling.
I have continuously worked on my body and my mindset. I have managed to pull down another 4 kgs and I’m currently at 52 kgs. I have not just lost the fat but also gained good muscle mass. When I look at myself in the mirror now, I find a confident woman who is ready to take up the challenges that come in her life, who is ready to forget about the regrets of her past and start a new leaf. It is as if the phoenix burned down to ashes and a new phoenix has taken birth. And I’m ready to pay the cost to feel this way throughout life.
A glance through my life
This is me in 2010. I was 21 at that time. I weighed around 52-53kg.
This was taken after I got married in 2011 at the age of 22 years. I gained 3-4 kgs in the first year of my marriage. I was around 56-57 kgs at this time.
This was taken after my twins were just born. I had gained 27kgs in my pregnancy. I came down to 75kgs in the first month after my delivery.
This is in 2021 before I started my fat loss journey. I started at 65kgs.
This is somewhere in between during my weight loss journey. I lost 9kgs in 3 months. I weighed 56 kgs around this time.
This is me currently. I weigh 52 kgs right now. I have gained some muscle mass in the process. I love the way I feel and look right now.
Author: Suvidhi Jain