Amidst the pandemic, we got our first positive pregnancy test. In the following days and months, I was pampered and every little craving of mine was catered to.
The emotional upheaval began while I was in labor. I began the new year by going to the hospital early in the morning. The actual contractions started at 7 pm. Having attended birthing classes I was looking forward to a positive experience. I was determined to not take any pain medication. Oh my, how wrong was I! As the evening progressed the pain turned unbearable and I asked for an epidural. After a long wait and a lot of motivation from my husband and the hospital staff, my baby was born a little past noon.
I was handed over a little human crying and wiggling in my arms. Thanks to covid restrictions my husband could be there with me only for a couple of hours after moving to the recovery room. Now with a throbbing headache, I had to care for a new life. I did all I could, the incessant crying made me feel helpless. The headache was later diagnosed to be a spinal headache due to an incorrectly administered epidural.
That one night alone in the hospital, I had innumerable thoughts running through my mind, ‘will I suffocate my baby while feeding’, ‘what happens if she slips out of my hand’, ‘what if I fall asleep and hurt her’, ‘what if she hates me’, what if my milk cannot suffice her hunger’ and countless others. The most worrisome of those was that ‘there is no escape from this.
Somehow the night went by making way for a cold winter morning without a lot of hope. Eating the hospital breakfast with a crying baby and persistent headache was a terrible experience.
For the week following the discharge, I still had a headache which made it impossible to stand or sit up. Along with that, I had the guilt of not being able to care for my baby, I had to deal with physical issues. No one ever told me post-partum bleeding would be so bad.
Postpartum is not an easy time, sleepless nights, cluster feeding, and not understanding baby cues. I spent nights crying in my bed, unable to explain why I was upset. It was the feeling of falling deeper and deeper into a dark hole. While falling into that abyss I tried to hold on to something but hopelessness soon took over and I just kept falling.
The consensus is that motherhood is painful, but no one understands that it needn’t be. I was lucky that I had my support system – my husband and my mother. They held my baby when I needed some time to compose myself. My husband took over the night feed so I could sleep for 4 hours at a stretch. I found a good midwife who gave me remedies to get over the pain.
Mental healing took time. It took time before I felt any sort of happiness again. It took some time before I dared to look at my stretch marks. It took some time before I could look at myself in the mirror. It took some time to smile back at the reflection I saw there, but once I did that smile was just the same as before.
After overcoming the pain. when I finally looked at my baby I could feel the love. After caring for myself I could effectively care for my baby. Now as I write this in the middle of the night while cuddling my 4month old, I thank my stars! I am because she is!
Author: Sayali Kothari
